The communal fashion world blow job for the “return” of the jumpsuit makes me want to kill myself. According to all blogs everywhere and any fashion authority, you’ll see more of these monstrosities than florals and metallics this spring. And that’s quite a statement, considering the undisputed fact that florals and metallics will always be the most important new trends for the coming season (while simultaneously being sooooo played out).
Unless you’ve recently suffered a massive breakdown and can’t comprehend anything more advanced than a Snuggie but you crave full rear coverage as well, you have no business even touching a jumpsuit. Seriously, don’t even reach out to push it aside on the racks at H&M. Crazy rubs off.
It’s a fucking pile of fabric with a tie. Monkeys could construct it. Additionally, they’re almost always in the worst fabrics imaginable. Polyester, rayon, hints of spandex. And even if you spend the cash for one in silk, you’re still going to have to sit in it at some point. So you’ve just got a garment with swaths of extra material that’s going to wrinkle the second you apply any presume to it. And now not only are you wearing a full-body diaper, but it’s wrinkled and creased all over to the point that you might as well just go full out and use it as pajamas as well. Because at this point, do you care? You’re wearing this:
You don’t care. Shave your head, get some permanent makeup tattoos, throw on your jumpsuit and pass out in front of Rock of Love Bus. Hell, maybe you’ve earned it.
